footprintsontheceiling

Archive for the ‘Tuesday rants’ Category

Footprints On….The Election.

In Footprints on..., Tuesday rants on August 25, 2008 at 10:42 pm

I went downtown today on my bike, to check out what the DNC’s done to my fair city.  There are a LOT of policemen and a lot of blocked off roads, and I’m going to go back to Tent State Wednesday or so to take a closer look at it.  Suffice to say Tent State felt very much to me like what the 1960s feels like in my mind; lots of young anti-war protesters with good points to make.  I was very moved by it, honestly, and will hold my comments on it until I get a chance to spend some more time there.

Anyway, amid all the press passes and TV cameras and cops on bikes, you know what struck me the most?  There are freaking HIllary supporters EVERYWHERE.  Before I go on this rant I’m about to go on, let me just preface it by saying that I used to be objective in my political thought.  I consider myself fiscally conservative yet socially liberal.  And I have an open mind, all the time.  I like to consider all sides of every issue before coming to my own conclusions, whether they follow any “party” lines or not.

But if you’re planning on voting for McCain in this election, you aren’t paying attention.  I had a good friend tell me recently, “Dude, I can’t decide who to vote for.”  I told him, “Man, if the last eight years haven’t changed your mind, I can’t help you.”  Seriously, what part of “wrong war/horrible economy/human and civil rights violations” don’t people get?  And I’m sorry, McCain used to seem like a decent fellow, before he was turned into Darth McCain by the Republican Dark Side, but we cannot cannot CANNOT afford to have this guy or any Republican lead our country for the next 4 or 8 years.  And when I see Hillary supporters all over the place, I get a bad feeling in my political belly.  They say 27% of Hillary supporters are going to support McCain in the election.  SERIOUSLY?  SERIOUSLY?  What the fuck is wrong with you people?  You’re going to throw the race to the Dark Side just because you were slighted or “not treated fairly” by the Obama camp?  COME ON!  I realize Obama made a serious error in his Vice President pick (see below), but you’ve got to vote the party ticket.  Just because this country needs it.  Can you imagine 4 or 8 more years of Republican rule?  I can’t.  And just because you Hillary supporters are wounded emotionally or whatever, that’s probably going to happen.   Thanks.  Thanks for that.  Just because you didn’t get your way, you 27% percent, you’re going to all ignore your morals and your ethics and your principals and vote for McCain.  Yeah, that makes a lot of sense.   That’d be like me having  one bad drink in Vegas and all of a sudden packing it all in for Laughlin.  Yeah, that’ll happen.

No, see, it won’t.  Because that’d be stupid.  And I’m not calling you 27% stupid, but I am.  Because that’s what it feels like to me.  You’re stupid.  There, I said it.

While we’re on the topic, I also have a pretty bad feeling about the VP pick.  Obama’s riding the “change” wave nicely, but all of a sudden he picks an old white guy with 35 years in politics?  SERIOUSLY?   What part of “35 years in politics” signifies “change” to you?  That’d be like me saying “You know what?  I feel like gelato today.”  And then going to freaking Baskin Robbins where ALL THEY HAVE IS THE SAME OLD FUCKING ICE CREAM.   Seriously, I was really hoping that Obama had something up his sleeve.  Something dramatic.  Hillary would have won the election for him.  Al Gore would have been a nice surprise VP pick.  Hell, a scoop of gelato would have made a nice dramatic VP candidate.  But Joseph Biden?  He’s as old as McCain!  If McCain were to pick a young African American VP candidate, you’d almost have a hard time telling the parties apart!

I’m going to go out on a limb right here and say that if McCain picks a female VP candidate, it’s over and he wins.  While I don’t give the Dark Side credit for much, I do know they know how to win elections (it’s a talent our party seems to have lost), and if McCain put a woman on his ballot, that would do it.  It’d be nearly as “change” worthy as anything Obama’s done.

Look, I went to bed the night before the elections 4 years ago and 8 years ago thinking, “there’s no way W gets a single vote.  Not one.  Nobody’s stupid enough to vote for that guy.”  Well, apparently I don’t understand 55 million Americans.  And if you’re one of them, that’s okay too.  I have Republican friends.  Allegedly.  But have you all seen what state our country is in?  What’s this election all about?  I heard somebody on the radio say, “Everybody’s missing the boat.  This election is all about abortion and pro-life!  Go McCain!”  Okay, I get that.  You can be pro-life.  No problemo.  But when everything in our country is owned by Middle Easterners and we all have to learn to speak Chinese because they bought our teachers and we have 20,000 kids dead in a pre-emptive occupation (It’s not a war – it’s an occupation) of a country that posed no threat to us and we have another 20,000 dead in Iran, France and Wherever because our president felt slighted by some action or non-action they took, it’ll still be great around here because nobody’ll be able to get abortions.  Yippee!  Yay America!  Yay unwanted children!

Look, in 2000 I would have voted McCain over Bush, if I leaned that way.  In 2008, I would have voted for Hillary, had she not been caught flat-footed by the Obama swell.  I think a vote for a Democrat right now is a vote for our country right now.  And it’s Obama’s time to be that Democrat.  You 27%, if you really want Hillary to come back in 2012 or 2016 to run, you need to put aside your hurt from losing the primary race and vote for our party.  Vote for our country.  Vote Obama.  ‘Cuz if you vote for McCain, who knows where we’ll be in 4 years?

I’m not Dannielynn’s father…or the money man.

In celebrity, Tuesday rants on April 10, 2007 at 3:56 pm

 

In the interest of fair and accurate reporting, we here at Footprints have to rewrite material that other people publish from time to time. Call us your “Watchdogs Of Media Abuse,” or WOMA. While that doesn’t make any sense at all, the following will. First up, a story published on eonline.com. Then, our rewrite. With the facts.

———————————

Dannielynn Hope Marshall Stern just became Dannielynn Hope Marshall Birkhead.

After six months of international legal wrangling, DNA swabbing and accusations of fraud, a genetic expert announced in a closed-door hearing in Bahamian court Tuesday that the father of Anna Nicole Smith‘s child is Larry Birkhead.

“I told you so!” a triumphant Birkhead said to applause outside the courthouse, adding with hands held high that his DNA was a “99.9999 percent” match.

“I’m excited,” said the Kentucky native. “I’m happy to start a life with my daughter…Things are moving quickly here.”

Howard K. Stern, the man listed as Dannielynn’s father on her Bahamian birth certificate and the girl’s sole parental figure since Anna Nicole Smith’s death two months ago, said that he would not contest Birkhead’s right to custody.

“My feelings for Dannielynn have not changed,” Stern said. “I’m not going to fight Larry Birkhead for custody. I’m going to do whatever I can to make sure that he gets sole custody.”

While Birkhead has been established as the father of Dannielynn, a hearing to determine custody is set to take place on Friday.

Smith’s estranged mother, Virgie Arthur, filed paperwork last week asking to be named the child’s guardian.

But speaking to reporters after Tuesday’s announcement, Arthur and her lawyer struck a more conciliatory tone, saying the Texas police officer merely wanted to play a role in the infant’s life.

“All I care about and all I ever cared about is the safety and well-being of my little granddaughter, Dannielynn,” Arthur said. “I look forward to working with Larry raising my granddaughter and doing what is very best for her.”

Asked how Smith might feel if she were alive, Arthur replied: “I think she would be happy to know that Dannielynn will find out who her father is.”

Arthur, whose relationship with Stern can be called icy at best, had publicly supported Birkhead’s paternity bid. (For a guide to all the major players, check out our Anna Nicole cheat sheet.)

All three principals and their respective attorneys attended the private hearing, which lasted just over a half-hour. Birkhead was also accompanied by his brother and sister and their kids.

Before heading in to the Nassau courthouse, he told reporters he was “feeling good,” “confident” and “hopeful” that his contingent would “leave with one more.”

“I’m a little tired, but I’m ready to get this over with.”

While the disputed daddy drama played out in innumerable headlines, the case ironically wound up coming to a close in a decidedly nonpublic forum: No reporters were allowed in the courtroom, and everyone connected to the case has been, per Bahamian law, subject to a sweeping gag order.

However, due to the intense public interest in the hearing’s outcome, the judge allowed the parties to break from the order and announce what had transpired behind closed doors.

Birkhead’s paternity was authenticated in court by Dr. Michael Baird, an Ohio-based DNA specialist who tested samples obtained from Birkhead and Dannielynn on Mar. 21.

Baird testified to what Birkhead has spent nearly seven months proclaiming both in and out of court: “Essentially, [Birkhead]’s the biological father,” Baird said. “Congratulations, Larry.”

————————————————-

And now, the non-fiction version:

————————————————

Dannielynn Hope Marshall Stern just became Dannielynn Hope Marshall Birkhead.

After six months of international legal wrangling, DNA swabbing and explicit money grabbing, a genetic expert announced in a closed-door hearing in Bahamian court Tuesday that the father of Anna Nicole Smith‘s child and the money said child will inherit is Larry Birkhead.

“I told you so!” a triumphant Birkhead said to applause outside the courthouse, adding with hands held high that his DNA was a “99.9999 percent” match.

“I’m rich,” said the Kentucky native. “I’m happy to start a life with my new money…Things are moving quickly here.”

Howard K. Stern, the man listed as Dannielynn’s father on her Bahamian birth certificate and the money’s sole parental figure since Anna Nicole Smith’s death two months ago, said that he would not contest Birkhead’s right to custody.

“My feelings for money have not changed,” Stern said. “I’m not going to fight Larry Birkhead for money. I’m going to do whatever I can to make sure that he gets all the money.”

While Birkhead has been established as the money man, a hearing to determine custody is set to take place on Friday.

Smith’s estranged mother, Virgie Arthur, filed paperwork last week asking to be named the money’s guardian.

But speaking to reporters after Tuesday’s announcement, Arthur and her lawyer struck a more conciliatory tone, saying the Texas police officer merely wanted to play a role in the money’s life.

“All I care about and all I ever cared about is the safety and well-being of my money,” Arthur said. “I look forward to working with Larry spending my money and doing what is very best for me.”

Asked how Smith might feel if she were alive, Arthur replied: “I think she would be happy to know that her money will be spent.”

Arthur, whose relationship with Stern can be called icy at best, had publicly supported Birkhead’s money grab.

All three principals and their respective attorneys attended the private hearing, which lasted just over a half-hour. Birkhead was also accompanied by his brother and sister and their kids.

Before heading in to the Nassau courthouse, he told reporters he was “feeling good,” “confident” and “hopeful” that his contingent would “leave with more money.”

“I’m a little tired, but I’m ready to get this over with.”

While the disputed money grab played out in innumerable headlines, the case ironically wound up coming to a close in a decidedly nonpublic forum: No reporters were allowed in the courtroom, and everyone connected to the case has been, per Bahamian law, subject to a sweeping gag order.

However, due to the intense public interest in the hearing’s outcome, the judge allowed the parties to break from the order and announce what had transpired behind closed doors.

Birkhead’s money grab was authenticated in court by Dr. Michael Baird, an Ohio-based DNA specialist who tested samples obtained from Birkhead and Dannielynn on Mar. 21.

Baird testified to what Birkhead has spent nearly seven months proclaiming both in and out of court: “Essentially, [Birkhead]’s the biological father,” Baird said.

“Congratulations, Larry. You’ve won the lottery.”

 

Idiots Rule

In idiots rule, Tuesday rants on February 13, 2007 at 8:28 am

Hey you.

Yeah, you. There. In the minivan. Talking on your cellphone. Eating a donut. Or whatever that heart-attack-waiting-to-happen pastry is that’s in your hand and heading towards your mouth.

Yeah, you. At the corner. A block away from my kid’s school.

Have you seen me yet? You haven’t? No, of course you haven’t. Because you’re talking on your phone. You must be having the world’s Most Important Conversation Ever (MICE), because what else would distract you so much that you haven’t noticed that I took one step into the intersection before you even got there. And that I have a 3 year old boy in my left hand and a 6 year old boy in my right hand. And that we were going to cross the street.

Yeah, baby. That’s me. Superdaddy. Spying you coming, talking on your Nokia, gobbling on your Krispy Kreme and your tall non-fat drive-through Starbucks mocha, (hold the whip) about a half a block away. And stopping myself and two little boys from continuing our cross – THAT WE HAD ALREADY STARTED – because you looked like you were having the MICE and that you couldn’t be bothered with the fact that we were crossing the street.

Yeah, that’s you. There, in the minivan. You must have kids of your own, right? Why else would you drive a minivan? Sure, you have kids of your own. Did you drop them off at school? Before you drove through the Starbucks and got that phone call? You did? And they were safe, right?

That’s right, they were safe. Because they didn’t have to cross the street with idiots like you on the road.

 

Oh, wait, now you’re pulling through the intersection. On your way to what must be the world’s Most Important Meeting Ever (MIME), because you STILL HAVEN’T SEEN THE THREE OF US STANDING THERE WAITING TO CROSS THE FREAKING STREET and yet you continue on. To your MIME. Or wherever the hell morons like you go at 9:00 in the morning. You’re pulling through the intersection, and you’re looking left – or so it appears – even though there’s a 42 year old Dad and his 3 and 6 year old sons not 3 feet away from your van ON THE RIGHT. If the 42 year old Dad hadn’t stopped his 3 and 6 year old sons from crossing the street when he spotted your distracted fat ass barreling down ½ block away from him and 1 block away from THE FREAKING ELEMENTARY SCHOOL we’d be sitting here talking about an entirely different situation now, wouldn’t we?

Yes, we would. You’re a moron now; you could easily have been a moron in jail. For a very very long time. With a lot on your mind. Namely, how if maybe you’d been paying attention the morning of February 12th, 2007 and not gabbing to your Bridge Club mate Betty on your cell phone and chowing down on a Winchell’s Bear Claw maybe you would have seen ¾ of my family crossing the street and not run them over.

Then again, I’m giving you too much credit, aren’t I?

Please, pay attention.

C’mon Ted, Just Admit It.

In Tuesday rants on February 6, 2007 at 2:41 pm

Did you see where Pastor Ted Haggard, he of the male-prostitute meth scandal in Colorado Springs last November, has been declared “completely heterosexual” and plans to pursue a masters in psychology using on-line courses?

Right.

Here’s how I see this going down. Pastor Ted is studying late one night, cramming for an on-line exam. Mrs. Pastor Ted has gone to sleep. Pastor Ted realizes that his on-line psychology course includes a chapter on penis envy. I mean, what psychology course doesn’t, right? Pastor Ted feels a strange sensation in his, uh, congregation, as it were. So, for some guidance, he points his browser over to http://www.completelyheterosexual.com, which, by now, has been taken over by gay porn (It’s freaking inevitable). Pastor Ted reverts to his old ways, blahblahblah.

Can it end any other way? I mean, c’mon, Pastor Ted, you’re not being true to yourself. If you like men, why deny it? You’ll live a happier life if you’re true to yourself. There’s a line from an old song that goes, “You better find out, what makes your heart sing.” And men make your heart sing, Pastor Ted. That much is obvious. As heavy as your denial is, it can’t mask the fact that men make your heart sing. And there’s nothing wrong with that. As much as the people who used to listen to you religiously (pun intended) probably don’t think that, most of us out here in Real World America believe very much in following your heart, regardless of whether you like men or women. It really doesn’t matter. What matters is that you’re true to yourself.

And “completely heterosexual?” Really? Do people really believe that stereotype? So, what, Pastor Ted, are you going to run out and get some NASCAR gear now? And a rifle? And a Chevy truck? And go kill Bambi? Do you honestly believe that any of us with a brain – or a pea of a brain, even – are going to sit here and go, “Whew. He’s completely heterosexual. Good thing, too. Wouldn’t want him to have an open mind or anything.” We’re all part homosexual, Pastor Ted, somewhere deep down in our hearts. All of us. Some of us are just unable to admit it. I myself would do Cillian Murphy if he showed up at my door and my wife and kids were out of town. Okay, so I’m just making that up. I’d do him even if my wife and kids were in town. But staying at a motel.

Don’t be afraid, Pastor Ted. Don’t be afraid to be who you really are. Sure, you’ll lose a few friends who think that idea that boys kissing boys or girls kissing girls is “icky,” but those aren’t really your friends, anyway. Friends don’t sit in judgment of you based on where your lips or your vagina or, God forbid (pun intended), your penis spend their time. And as for your Lord? I bet when you get to Heaven He’s (I use the masculine because I know you Christians believe in that sort of thing) going to say, “Pastor Ted, were you true to yourself?”

Well, were you?