Dear God, Part I.

In Conversations with God on August 4, 2009 at 9:23 pm

shutterstock_676632_157Dear God,

It’s me, Jeff.  “Who?”  Right, I get the joke.  I mean, we don’t talk much, except when I’m on an airplane, and even though it’s only when I’m taking off or landing.  And our conversations are limited to “Please get me to Vegas and back home safely to my wife and children afterwards.”  Pretty simple stuff, in the overall scheme of things.

But this is different.  I’m beginning to truly doubt your existence.  Sure, my conservative friends are going to flip, but hear me out.  See, God, if you truly exist, you gave me ambition, theoretically.  Right?  Right.  And you know my ambition can get a little unruly at times; at times, I think I can do anything.  And more often than not, it hasn’t been a real problem.  You know all that.  If you exist.

Until now.  You know, if you exist, that that ambition drove me to buy a piece of property in a hot Denver neighborhood, design a duplex for that piece of property, and hire all the people to build said duplex.  You know that it took a bit longer than it was supposed to and you know that it cost much more than I thought it would.  Because while you gave me ambition, you also gave me ability….that doesn’t quite match my ambition. You know all that.  If you exist.

And you know that our country is in a deep recession and that banks aren’t lending and that appraisers have new rules that limit what they can do and that there are very few buyers for a building such as mine:  Modern, with high end finishes and luxury items, such as elevators and a ridiculous view of downtown.  And you know that I’m making a monthly interest payment and that the prices are coming down and that I’m going to take a bath on this project, financially.  But you know all that.  If you exist.

So what gives?  Why me?  Why now?  I’m a decent guy; I’m committed to my family and my friends, and I try to do the right thing all of the time, because that seems to be the right way to live.  I’ve never been arrested, and I generally try to help people around me when they need it.  I volunteer at my children’s school as often as any parent, I teach drama club to kindergartners, I coach soccer, I coach T-Ball, I’m working hard to make sure my kids are good citizens of the world, I teach them right from wrong and empathy for their fellow human beings…  But you know all that.  If you exist.

So what the hell is this about, pardon my language?  Is this about my Vegas trips?  You understand that those are good for my soul, and you understand that I pose no danger on those Vegas trips, except to myself.

Is this about my misguided 20s?  That might be where you have a point.  Sure, I did a lot of stupid things in my 20s.  I may have used some illicit substances now and then or every weekend, and I may have treated some people poorly.  I may have.

But we’re past that, aren’t we?  I mean, I no longer use such substances and I try to treat people well.  Friends might even say I’m generous.  And, truly, that was 20 years ago.  Are people allowed to learn from their mistakes?  Oh, wait, maybe that’s what this is about.  Am I supposed to learn from this?  Is this a “teachable moment” in your vernacular?  Well, God, if you exist, this is honestly a poor time for a “teachable moment.”  My children are young and in need of full attention parenting and frankly, this situation almost makes it impossible to not be at least slightly distracted all the time.  I mean, I try to make everything “normal” for them, but I wonder if I’m even capable of that.  Because I’m in the midst of a “teachable moment.”

But hey, God, if you exist, if this is a “teachable moment,” so be it.  I’ll live.  I may be broke for the rest of my life, but I’ll live.  And I have my friends and my kids and my beautiful wife, who, for some unfathomable reason, is hanging around to see this through.  She talks about getting back to a “simpler life,” which is perhaps what this is all about.  Maybe it is.  Maybe it’s about living within your means and loving what and who you have and keeping your ambition under wraps.  If I can get back there, God, I can live like that.  But at the moment, that feels like a long way away.

And it’s affecting me, God, if you exist.  It’s affecting my lifelong belief in treating people right and always going through the checklist in my head:  “Is this the right thing to do?”  Lately, I’ve put the checklist down in the garbage bin of my head and left it there.  I mean, I haven’t done anything bad, per se, but I haven’t exactly gone out of my way to help old ladies cross the street.  And you know, God, if you exist, that normally I would do such a thing.  Without fail.

So maybe if I could get a morsel, a nougat of something good, I could continue to believe that you probably exist.  Maybe you could throw me a couple of buyers, say “we were just kidding, Jeff, here are people with money who like what you’ve done,” I won’t feel like this has been a gigantic waste of time, money, and energy.  And I’d quite possibly believe again.  In right and wrong, in treating people well, and in you.



  1. It’s because you’re being greedy. Duh. 7 Deadly Sins anyone? Besides I’m praying to Horace the God of Real Estate for you anyway. He lives next door to Gladys the Goddess of Great Parking, you know.

  2. it’s ok to be atheist… I have been for more than 50 years, ever since the nuns told me that my dog would not go to heaven (“not enough room”, she said. I asked how much room a soul took.) and I decided that I didn’t want to go to heaven.

  3. To quote my grandmother, “Well, hell”.

    In my humble opinion, I’ve always operated under the guise that when you say you are sorry for whatever you did – illicit substances, snorting coke off that hooker’s ass, whatever – it’s done in the eyes of God. No grudges. I don’t really believe in the fire and brimstone God. I think He’s a loving God.

    That doesn’t mean I can accept when things go wrong. Like my dad dying at 49. That makes no sense to me whatsoever. I could get a letter of “here’s why” tomorrow and it still wouldn’t help me in my current situation of missing him.

    I do believe, though, this situation of yours surely has to right itself sooner rather than later. I know it has to be hard on all aspects of your life, and that’s not fair to you or the little old ladies waiting on the corner still to cross.

    Until then, I’ll send up some javlin prayers on your behalf (um, because they GO faster?) and truly hope the simpler life your hot wife is asking for comes to fruition in short order.

  4. If I had known it would have come to this, I would have snorted coke off of that hooker’s ass. I mean, she wanted me to, but I said, “No, thanks, I’m trying to protect my good fortune,” and snorted coke off of her bosoms instead.

    Actually, this brings up an interesting question: What about intent? I’ll write to God again and ask.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: