Howard K. Stern? No. Mr. Zsa Zsa Gabor? No. Dustin Diamond? No. They might all be telling you they’re Dannielynn’s father – well, except for Dustin Diamond, he hasn’t said anything yet, but I expect he will shortly – but the truth is, and I’m sorry for not coming out with this sooner to clear up the confusion, that I am Dannielynn’s father.
In case you’ve been living under a rock lately – or you’re just intelligent enough to avoid celebrity gossip – celebrity Anna Nicole Smith died recently and all these other guys have been claiming to be the father of her baby, Dannielynn. Not true. I mean, sure, I guess she was a celebrity, so that part is true, for some reason. Anna Nicole was famous for….uh….fake blonde hair and big fake boobs and for wandering around in a stupor on “The Anna Nicole Show” and for marrying a corpse and for, uh, some other stuff, I guess. But that’s beside the point. The point is she was famous and now she’s dead – so she’s going to become more famous, as is the American Celebrity Way – and all these guys are claiming to be the father of her now 8 month old baby and I’m here to tell you it’s simply not true. I am Dannielynn’s father.
Sure, I never met Anna Nicole. And I’ve never been the Bahamas, where she lived. Hell, I couldn’t even find the Bahamas on a map. But she was from Texas and I get the hives whenever I get near Texas so I never saw her there, either. But we had an affair. A big giant wonderful sexy fake affair. That’s what this is all about, right? Falsehoods? If Anna Nicole can have big ol’ fake boobs and fake blonde hair and fake love for a 90 year old Sugerdaddy and still be a celebrity then I can have a fake affair with her. I mean, I saw her on one episode of “The Anna Nicole Show” – the one where she walked around in a stupor – and read about her in the occasional “Entertainment Weekly” column, and I think that certainly qualifies me to be the father of Dannielynn, don’t you? Wait, she walked around in a stupor in more than one episode of “The Anna Nicole Show?” Crap! There goes my alibi. If I can’t prove which episode I saw, I can’t legally claim paternity, can I? Ah, hell!
Dustin Diamond, she’s all yours.